River Dorks (When not to float)

[Steve King (Admin)]

Found this humorous post on another forum and thought I wold share:

"I was on the Current saturday & sunday.
The conditions there right now are excellent; the scenery is beautiful with the red buds & dogwoods in bloom.
There are very few boaters on the river now; we passed only 5 canoes in the 20 mile section we did.

That will change dramatically by June.
If you go in June; I "highly" recommend that you "not" go on a weekend, unless you like paddling with a lot of noisy & obnoxious drunks.
The "river dorks" particularly like the sections from Cedar Grove to Akers Ferry, Akers Ferry to Pulltite, and Pulltite to Round Springs. If you plan on bringing little kids; bring some earplugs so they don't have to listen to the drunks spewing obscenities. "River dorks" enjoy talking with teenage girls in their new bikini.

The jon boats will be out in force in June; doing what they do best, acting out Earnhardt Jr. fantasies, going nowhere fast.
They also have a propensity to congregate on the best gravel bars, use them for their pit stop/party spot, and in the late afternoon, blast off back to their put in point & home, leaving the gravel bar trashed for prospective campers.

It is impossible to predict the conditions of the river in June. The river is spring fed; you have that in your favor.
You might check out Akers Ferry Canoe Rental; they have a website.

P.S. One way to avoid some of the chaos on the Current River in the Summer is to put on & take off of the river "early". Most of the "river dorks" like to start after 9:00 a.m., especially on sunday when they are nursing hangovers from saturday. If you are the type that enjoys chaos; put on the river at Akers Ferry or Pulltite between 10 & 11 am on a saturday. Sunday evening 80% of the "river dorks" will disappear.
Best bet; plan your trip from monday through thursday. Best time to paddle the Current river; October through April.

Things you may not know:

Rangers on the Current river are few & far between; they are understaffed, and have over 135 miles of river to patrol. Don't count on them being there to resolve your problems.

Missouri is the #1 producer of methamphetamine in the United States. Some of the drunks you may encounter aren't just drunk.

Good luck,
BOB"


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[ripplesnwoods]

I grew up on the Current, my parents were caretakers of the private "resort" Dunrovin before it became a State access. I was eleven, and with my life vest on I was allowed to run the river from Dunrovin to Deer Lodge where I worked renting tubes, canoes, and pumping fuel into boats. There were some river idiots back then too, but not near like they are now. A few years later my folks bought a boat and motor, a 16/48 with a used 18hp Evinrude with a prop. That was later traded in for a 18/48 and a 50/35 Evinrude "jet". So being a floater and a boater I can honestly agree about "river dorks", those with a 200hp jet mounted on a boat that is not legal for an engine that size and has no business on a river this size, with no regard for swimmers, tubers,or canoeists or other boaters. And those in tubes or canoes with 2 or 3 coolers of beer tied into tubes, cause you just know all the work involved in tubing can dehydrate a guy, or a half dressed girl just old enough for a learners permit.
There are respectable boaters and respectable tubers and canoeist. The rest of them need to leave the booze and dope at home when going out on the river. We were coming downstream one afternoon in the boat with the 50/35hp engine with jet lower unit. We went around a sharp bend in the river and came up on 30 to 40 tubers that had the river blocked. There was no time to slow down, a boat does not operate like a car, there are no brake pedals. We had 2 choices. Plow through the tubers and pray noone was hurt or worse, or hit the narrow gravel bar. We took the gravel bar, the boat went airborn for about 6 feet, my spouse crashed into the front deck, and the linkage on my engine that controlled the lower unit was damaged. I was able to bend the linkage and get on down the river and my spouse suffered a few bruises. But the thing that really %$^$^&% me off was the fact the not one of the tubers came to check if we were injured.
The river belongs to all of us. And we all have to work together to keep it in great shape for our future generations. We have cell phones now. If you come upon a group thats very intoxicated, yelling profanities, exposing themselves, running their boats too close to your canoe or tube, call the police. There are Water Patrolman on the river to enforce the laws. Respect one another. And this isnt just about boats or tuber being dorks on the river, there are boat dorks that run right up on another boat thats fishing, or stopped to take a quick dip in the river. I took 2 water safety courses given by the State Water Patrol, and I suggest every person using the river take the course. Perhaps when they see a person with a leg severed by a boat prop or a drowning victim thats been in the water a week or so they will learn to respect the river and the people using it. Float On.